


Looking Away

by SamJoinedtheReconCorps



Series: A Flame in the Shadows [14]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Hurt feelings, M/M, Worry, just hurt feelings y'all this made me sad :(, post ep 79, spoilers for ep 97
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:07:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23132911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamJoinedtheReconCorps/pseuds/SamJoinedtheReconCorps
Summary: The Mighty Nein need Essek's help to get them to the Lotusden - their instructions aren't very clear though.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: A Flame in the Shadows [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1648909
Comments: 12
Kudos: 111





	Looking Away

**Author's Note:**

> BEGINNING AUTHOR'S NOTES MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR EP 99!!!! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!
> 
> i mean, not a crazy huge spoiler, but like, seeing Essek go to the Ball-Eater during the negotiations made my heart happy T.T there were some things that made my heart not so happy, but I will address and explore those further as this series progresses!!
> 
> anyway, I hope you guys like this fic!! I honestly had so much trouble with it because it just made me sad y'all they were very nice to Essek :(((((

Given the seriousness of Jester’s message, he quickly makes his way to the Xhorhaus. He has faith that they will return shortly, and he doesn’t mind waiting - at least not outside their house. If he were to have waited at his house or his office, he was sure he would have driven himself mad with worry. He crosses his arms, a poor attempt to keep himself together that he hopes will last until they arrive.

After maybe 20 or 30 minutes, he can hear the rapid pace of horses, galloping through the Firmaments. He turns towards the sound, not even realizing that he’d been staring at the ground intently as he’d retreated into his anxious thoughts.

They slow their horses to a casual gait, and Essek feels that gnawing worry loosen into the warmth of relief. He finds Caleb astride a horse, head held high and with an easy smile, and Essek feels a blush begin to crawl up his neck.

“Hello,” he greets, trying to keep from smiling, slipping into his polite mask.

“Super sorry about this again,” Jester immediately apologizes.

“As you can see, we’ve come a very long way on horseback,” Caleb deadpans. Jester nods from where she brings her horse to stand next to Caleb’s. “We’ve just arrived.”

“Impressive, I suppose?” Essek asks, because he knows that they must have  _ teleported _ to get to Rosohna, he knows that Caleb is making a joke, but with that strange, fluttery feeling in his stomach he doesn’t think he could give in. Not now when they’ve been away for so long without even a word.

“We are in a bit of a hurry,” Caleb tells him, his smile slipping as his expression turns worried. He looks away. “And I know that we are wearing out our welcome, but we need to get to the Lotusden.”

“Very -” Essek starts, but then Jester cuts in, and everything is a rush of words from there.

She talks about the Laughing Hand and his compatriots, and how they’re on their way to liberate some other evil that will join their ranks.

“And if there’s four, then they’re going to be so much more powerful and now he’s got a skull and he’s going to find a heart,” she finishes all in one breath. “We have to beat him.”

“Of course,” Essek gets out. Because what else can he say to that terrifying summation of what they’re dealing with.

“The heart of a very, very,  _ very _ bad creature that they want to awaken,” Veth clarifies.

“Yes,” Essek nods, following along - trying his best to follow along. Necromancy and Abyssal threats have never been his specialty, and he feels so much out of his element his stomach churns with nerves.

Veth gestures around them. “And it, it’s - it’s prox- it’s more, it’s closer to, to the Dynasty than the Empire. This is - this could directly impact your people.”

“Yeah, it's a demon assassin,” Beauregard adds. Cool and collected in a way that Essek certainly doesn’t feel.

“Super bad,” Jester confirms.

“Heart of a demon assassin,” Beauregard reiterates.

“It’s the group of people who are letting all the bad things out, you know?” Jester exclaims, and there’s a frantic urgency to her that puts Essek even more on edge.

“Skull of a demon assassin,” Beauregard continues behind her.

“He seems to be part of their cult,” Fjord gets in. “They’re called the Angel of Irons.”

“Which we already told you about, I think,” Jester reminds him.

“Yes,” Essek answers, giving a short nod. Given how poorly put together they seem, Essek knows that time is not on their side. “You have informed me of this, and I have already agreed. You are not needing to convince me any further.”

“Okay, I was just letting you know,” Jester mumbled, looking down. “It’s super important, that’s why we, you know, asked for help.”

“Do you have a place to put your horses?” Essek asks instead, trying to change the subject albeit weakly since he knows that they’ll be leaving to the Lotusden in a short time.

They look around at each other as if the thought just occurred to them. Then Veth extends a gracious hand. “Consider them a gift.”

Caduceus doesn’t seem too convinced. “Well -”

“In exchange for your continued assistance?” Fjord interrupts, looking to the rest of the group for help.

A smile twitches at Caleb’s lips. “Yeah, these are Empire horses - rarity in these parts,” he adds.

Fjord nods along. “They may know something.”

There are titters of stifled laughter from the Mighty Nein, and some of the darkness that had descended upon them seems to lift. Even Essek can’t help the tiny smile that cracks his carefully crafted mask.

“Well, um, I do not consider this payment, ah -” He collects himself again, trying to regain some of his professional air - and needing to remind them that he has done plenty for them already. “A favor for a favor, and I’m certain I will call these favors in at some time in the future.” He motions to the fence that rings outside the Xhorhaus. “But for now, just go ahead and hitch them to the exterior of your home and we’ll be on our way.”

“Seems like a plan,” Caduceus nods, slipping off his horse.

“Yeah,” Jester quietly agrees, following suit along with the rest of the Mighty Nein.

It takes them a few minutes to hitch their horses before they gather around him, forming a familiar circle. Essek tries to ignore the warmth he feels when Caleb immediately takes his place at his right.

“So, where to, then?” He turns to the Mighty Nein, waiting for a direction.

“Do - do you know where the Lotusden is?” Jester asks.

“I do, yes,” he replies, thankful that for once they are not asking him to take them someplace he’s never heard of before.

“You do?” Jester exclaims, almost as surprised as Essek is thankful.

“Have you been there?” Caleb immediately follows up.

Essek shakes his head, thinking back on what he knows of the Lotusden. “I’ve not been there, but I have studied the vicinity of, ah, Xhorhas.”

Jester tilts her head to the side. “How - how big is it?”

“Oh, it’s fairly large,” he informs her.

Her brow furrows, as if contemplating something, when Veth nudges her. “You - you saw it, right?”

“I mean, I saw where  _ they _ were,” Jester confirms.

“Maybe you could show a-an image?” Veth suggests, waving her hand. “Maybe that would narrow down some of the geography of where we’re headed - maybe?”

Jester considers that for a second. “Maybe I could try to draw what I saw?”

Veth nods. “Oh, okay then, well maybe - I don’t know.”

Turning to Essek, Jester says, “I think they were heading south. So, we should probably go towards the south of the Lotusden, right?”

“Were they in the forest, or were they - ?” Essek lets the rest of his question hang unfinished.

She thinks hard, her eyes narrowing and nose scrunching up. “There were - I feel like it was swampy-ish where they were coming from and they were getting to more dense foliage or something.”

Not the best description to help him narrow it down exactly since the overlap of swamp and forest was rather large according to what he’d read, but he felt like he could potentially work with that.

“Yeah, Essek, on this map,” Fjord started, pulling out a map of Xhorhas. “Do you know if, ah, the area right above the Lotusden, sort of represented here, is that swampland, this part?”

At this point, Essek had heard Fjord talk enough times to definitely hear the change in his voice and his accent. He’d also gotten a little - larger? Essek once again wondered if half-orcs went through another stretch of puberty after they were well into adulthood, but he would never ask for worry that he might offend.

“That, that is, ah, largely marsh before it goes into the Fevergulf, yes,” he answers, looking at the area of the map Fjord had pointed to.

“Should we try the middle?” Fjord suggested, looking around at the group. “Or should we try the, the most southernmost part and work up?”

Veth shakes her head. “No, I think we should go where they were - the swamp.”

“Up here?” Fjord asks, sliding his finger up the map until it was at the northern edge.

“Just south of it though,” Jester clarified.

“They were making their way here?” Fjord repeats, this time sliding his finger down a little further south on the map.

“Yeah,” Veth nods, at the same time Jester adds, “I think we should be south of them.”

Essek speaks up, cutting Beauregard off before she can say more than a handful of words. “If they’re heading s- if they’re travelling southward towards the Den,” Jester nods, assuring Essek that he’s gotten it right. “ And through a swamp area, then I think you’re onto that with the northern side.”

“Okay,” Jester nods again, at the same time Veth says, “Let’s do that.”

Beauregard mentions something about checking into the house, but Fjord and the rest of the group agree that the urgency of the situation might call for a swiftness that leaves no room for a housecall.

“Alright, gather around,” Essek tells them, but Beauregard seems hesitant until Veth whispers something to her. That seems to settle the matter. “Alright?” Essek asks.

“We’re ready,” Fjord confirms.

Giving them a nod, Essek pulls his hands out from under his cloak, finding Caleb’s hand already outstretched and waiting. Essek holds Caleb’s hand after he finishes the small glyph, and, just like every time before, they thread their fingers, fitting together like puzzle pieces.

Essek doesn’t try to dwell too much on that metaphor.

Everyone else holds hands and Essek focuses, channeling his magic around them and suddenly they are  _ teleported _ , getting sent through darkness and disappearing from Rosohna only to reappear in a more humid, much less hospitable environment.

* * *

The sound of squelching boots rings out as they all land on the swamp at the northern edge of the Lotusden.

“Hey, Caleb - what time of day is it?” Fjord calls out from where he stands between Caduceus and Beauregard, dropping their hands.

“It’s 4:38,” Caleb answers without missing a beat. Essek’s hand is still in his, his soft skin such a contrast to the calluses that are on Caleb’s. Essek doesn’t seem to mind though.

“That’s very specific,” Fjord comments, taking in their surroundings.

“Do we have any way - by magical means or otherwise - of tracking or tracing where our former friend, now enemy, murderous assassin Yasha might be?” Nott asks. “Is there a locate spell?”

Hearing it described like that sent a pang through Caleb’s chest. It was an accurate description, but Caleb still had hope in Yasha. He wasn’t giving up on her.

“I have a  _ locate object _ spell,” Jester piped up.

Beau and Nott both quickly said, “You know her weapon - her sword.”

Jester nods. “Yeah, I could cast that.” She looks off into the jungle. “If she’s within a thousand feet of us, I will know.”

“Could you - could you do it for the heart possibly? Or no?” Caduceus suggests.

She frowns. “I don’t know enough about it. I just know it's a heart.” She puts her hands on her hips. “But I guess I would know it's a heart not inside a body potentially - but it could be inside a body -”

“But, Jester,” Fjord interrupts, bringing her rushed thoughts to a stop. “If that actually is a heart, and not something that’s represented as a heart.”

“That’s true, it could be like a giant jewel or something,” Jester agrees.

“I imagine the hope is to get the heart before they do, so that they can’t get their friend together,” Caduceus muses.

Agreeing, Jester hums, “That’s the goal.”

“Not necessarily to find them,” Caduceus finishes.

As they begin to throw around ideas on where to go from there, Essek’s thumb gently runs along the side of Caleb’s hand before he abruptly drops it, turning away without a word or even a second glance as he gets to a large enough rock that will serve as a spot for his  _ teleportation circle _ back to Rosohna. He’s squinting as he works, and Caleb is reminded of how sensitive to the sunlight Essek is.

Then Fjord pulled out the map and they all quickly realized that they had told Essek to send them to the wrong location.

“That feels rude, right?” Beau gets out, glancing over at Essek as they suggest potentially asking him to  _ teleport _ them again, this time to the center of the Lotusden. “I’m the rude one, and I feel like that feels rude.”

“What, to ask him to do it again?” Fjord asks. When Beau nods, he merely shrugs. “I would ask him to do it again. I wanted to be in the middle.”

Before Caleb can stop them, Beau shouts, “Hey, Essek!”

Essek freezes in his arcane runes, turning back to look at them.

“You got any more of those?” she calls out. “Like, how many - how many times can you do that?”

Fjord folds the map to where it just shows the area of the Lotusden, pointing at the center. “I’m so sorry, I feel like we didn’t communicate clearly.” He taps the center of the den. “When we pointed to the middle of the forest, that’s where we wanted to go. Not here,” he points at the northern edge, before then pointing at the middle, “there. Could we do that?”

Caleb watches as Essek stiffly straightens himself up, holding a shimmery blue chalk between his fingers. His face is hard, and Caleb wants to flinch and hide from that look.

“That stuff is expensive,” Caleb whispers under his breath.

“It’s pretty,” Beau nods.

“Is it expensive?” Jester whispers back.

Nodding, Caleb answers, “It’s very pricey.”

“Like, do you think, like worth one horse pricey or more than that?” Jester asks quietly.

Silence falls as Essek just watches them wordlessly, his chalk still held between his fingers. Caleb can see the light blue of it that dusts his fingertips.

“I made him laugh earlier, this’ll be fine,” Fjord assures, also in hushed tones.

“He’s gonna kill us,” Nott gets out. Jester agrees with a worried nod.

Beau grimaces. “He’s going to flip us off as he jumps into that circle.” Fjord says something under his breath that makes Beau ask, “You want to grab him?”

“No - no, I said gravity. He’s got gravity on his side,” Fjord quickly corrects. Fjord meets Essek’s cold gaze before he buckles. “Or no, I mean, we’re just fine where we are.”

Caleb absolutely can’t handle it anymore. He steps forward. “I think what my - my companions are trying to request, um, we weren’t clear enough, ah - which is foolish of us,” Caleb quickly adds, ensuring that Essek knows that it’s on  _ them _ , not on him at all. “Because the stakes are so high right now.” He steps closer, moving slowly, as if approaching a skittish animal. The way Essek is looking at them makes him nervous - this was even worse than when they were just strangers, it fills Caleb with a cold that Caleb wants to get rid of. “But we actually wish to go,” Caleb continues, gesturing to Fjord, “Fjord, point it out on the map.”

He can only assume Fjord’s tapping on the spot on the map as he closes the distance between himself and Essek. Caleb feels like there’s a widening chasm between them, and Caleb - Caleb wants to close it, he wants to get Essek to smile like he was when they were outside the Xhorhaus - the way he did when he was teaching him magic. On that impulse, Caleb reaches out and places a gentle hand on Essek’s arm. “It’s on me,” Caleb admits, shouldering the blame. “I should have, um, been a little more involved in the planning of this moment, and I apologize very much.”

The hardness in Essek’s face doesn’t leave as he glances between Caleb and Fjord, as if trying to work something out - then Jester steps up behind Caleb, saying quietly, “The Traveler loves you so much,” filling his words with radiant energy and Essek’s eyes snap back to him, his face completely closing off.

His eyes drift across the group, settling on Fjord the longest, as he puts his chalk away - not even looking at Caleb. “Very well,” he gets out, and he sounds polite, but oh so coldly distant. “Though this is expending the limits of my, ah, prominent abilities for the day.” When no one moves, he snaps, “Come gather, are - are you going to do this or not?”

Feeling cold and anxious, Caleb moves to the side still holding Essek’s arm.

“Do you want to hang out with us until you can regain your spells and stuff?” Jester suggests as she gathers around, holding hands between Beau and Caduceus, with Beau seconding her offer. “You can, I mean.”

“I -” Essek starts, before he takes a deep breath. “There would be nothing I would love more than to not be around you all.”

It feels like his stomach is in knots, his face burning as Caleb hears Essek’s words.

“For the remainder of this day,” Essek adds, and he sounds just a breath softer. “So, let’s try this again, shall we?”

He gives Essek’s arm a small squeeze before moving to hold his hand, but Essek tears his arm out of his grip, looking to Caleb but resolutely not making eye contact as he shakes his head.

Caleb feels his breath catch in his lungs and his throat tightens.

Closing his eyes, Essek mutters a few words under his breath, making the arcane sigils in the air before he grabs a hold of Caleb’s hand, as protocol for the spell, holding it firmly but stiffly. Their fingers don’t thread together as the ground beneath their feet gets hot and they’re  _ teleported _ once more.

* * *

Essek drops Caleb’s hand as if he’s been burned as soon as they land, the distant sounds of the animals of the Lotusden echoing around them as the putrid smell of damp jungle rot wafts through the area.

“Well,” he gets out. “Now I have formally visited the Lotusden. I would not wish to return.” He gives them what he knows is a forced smile, keeping Caleb in his peripheral vision. “Good luck.”

Jester hesitantly catches his attention. “Essek?” When he hums that he’s listening, she asks, “Do you know of any like ruins around here or anything? Have you heard of anything?”

“I have no idea,” he answers honestly. She gives a small nod, and Essek starts the arcane sequence for the  _ Fly _ spell, pulling out a small silver feather as he quietly recites the verbal components.

“Hey, Essek,” Beauregard calls out again - the warning call that things might go awry  _ again _ .

“Yes?” he says, as he finishes the incantation.

“Are you mad at us?” she asks, glancing over at Caleb.

“Mad is not the right word,” he tells her, looking up as he thinks. Because he isn’t mad - not at them. “I would say, um, ready to leave.”

“At least he didn’t say disappointed - I feel like disappointed is the absolute worst thing,” Jester rushes out. Beauregard and Fjord immediately agree, giving small, pained nods.

“It's three small words that somehow combine into one big feeling,” Caduceus adds.

Beauregard points at Essek. “Hey, man - we haven’t forgotten that we owe you a favor, and that you wanted to talk to us about needing something.”

He silently starts counting on his fingers, pausing in his somatic spellcasting to get his point across.

“So, hey, you’re at the top of our list as soon as this is done,” Beauregard assures.

“A number of favors,” Essek says, finishing his counting and wiggling his fingers at her to punctuate his sentence. “I have not forgotten.”

“Neither have we,” Beauregard tells him, nodding her understanding.

Looking at all of them, he relents, if only a little. He remembers how worried he’d been when they were gone, and he’d hate to leave them thinking that he was upset with them - they needed to focus on the task ahead. If they were worried about his feelings that could be a potential distraction -  _ if _ they worried about his feelings. “But, in all honesty,” he began, making sure to look each and every one of them in the eye. “Be careful,” he said, gaze landing on Caleb, “Be safe, do not be stupid.” He gave them one last sweeping look. “And, ah, goodbye.”

Essek lets the spell take hold of him,  _ flying _ up and out of the canopy as he makes his way to his unfinished  _ teleportation circle _ . He averts his gaze as he breaks the treeline, now out in the sun. He looks down, catching Caleb watching him from the ground, his face bathed in sunlight.

His heart squeezes in his chest. He wasn’t mad at him, no - he was mad at himself. For getting soft, for getting close, for letting himself do as Caleb needed, for letting it  _ hurt _ .

He held Caleb’s gaze for a handful of heartbeats, watching the way his blue eyes were so full of sadness and regret - but that was too good to be true. Essek was clearly seeing things. He turned away, heading back to the  _ teleportation circle _ that would take him back home, to Rosohna - but feeling like he was leaving behind so much that it made his chest ache.

**Author's Note:**

> and that was that!!! Essek is hurtin', Caleb is hurtin', we're all hurtin' in this bitch :((( Honestly I remember when I first watched this scene I was like OUCH that's rude!!! like Essek was already sad and a little hurt that they left for like 2 weeks and never reached out to him, and then this happened like it just made me so sad :(((( but hey, the scene happened, and Caleb's first "canon" flirtation-esque thing happened here too, so I just had to T.T
> 
> my brain's a little fried right now since I just got done with 5 pages out of my 15 page Fitzgerald mourning and melancholy final essay due in a few days, but hey, its Shadowgast hours up in this bitch at all times as I rush to catch up with the campaign!!
> 
> anyway, thank you guys so much for reading, I really hope you guys liked it, and I hope to be back soon with the next part of the series!!
> 
> this fic was inspired by:  
> Through the Trees | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 79 - 15:00 - 36:00


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